Watermelon juice and mangoes all day. Maybe a tomato date jalapeño cucumber noodle soup for dinner tonight. Gym will be cardio, calisthenics, and weights, a little of everything. I will take care of my body today. I need to work harder, though, at taking care of my soul.

Another friend dead from preventable disease. Another diagnosed. So young. It seems like it’s every week. Several more new ones asking for help. I wish I could communicate more clearly and help people make the connection earlier on. It feels overwhelming sometimes. My loving support system reassures me, and I do agree, that I cannot control the decisions of others. That they must decide for themselves, and often that requires them to battle against their own ego, which has nothing to do with me. Yes, but what if I was better at communicating the information and shining light on socially acceptable deceptions in the first place? What if I was more effective and clear about sharing the responsibility of truth and consequences to the point that even their ego can’t argue against logic and science? The “what ifs” would consume me if I let them, so I try to distance myself emotionally and focus inward just to get through another week of sad news.

In my desperation to throw a wrench in the toxic cycle, I spend entirely too much of my volunteered time and energy focused on those who don’t truly want to change, but who want to “want to” change. They desire to want to change, but don’t actually want to change, if that makes sense. Some I’ve been talking to for years and have poured ridiculous amounts of time, love, and energy into trying to help them see and overcome, as per their own request. I remember being desperate and sick. I know what it feels like to crave validation that what I am doing is, in fact, everything in my power to help heal myself. I remember feeling scared, desperate, misled, confused, angry, and in pain.

I also remember having to set aside my own ego and being willing to do whatever it took to get better.

Others have called me foolish for giving it all away for free. With so few willing to do what is necessary, I’m beginning to agree.

For those I have helped, I am so glad. That is the entire point of sharing my journey… to prevent and reverse unnecessary suffering, and to allow others to pass along the information with their own success stories. You want to pay me back? Be a success story and inspire others to do the same. Maybe selfishly, helping others gives meaning to my past suffering. It makes it okay. Useful.

I wrote this somewhere between 2 and 3am. This morning I nearly deleted it because listening to myself, it didn’t sound fakey fake happy and inspiring like these sorts of posts are “supposed” to be. But I’m not like that. I’ve never been like that. I share all sides of my struggles and successes. The truth. The struggle is never over, and anyone who says otherwise may just very well be temporarily fooling themselves and others. Eating fruits and veggies doesn’t cure me of the human condition. With great compassion comes great empathy, and with that comes great joy as well as great sorrow. I’ll always be sad when they fall. It’s a price I’m willing to pay.